1 00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:03,571 [chuckling] 2 00:00:03,571 --> 00:00:06,574 [rock music] 3 00:00:06,574 --> 00:00:13,547 ♪ ♪ 4 00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:20,254 [chuckling] 5 00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:22,690 Community service sucks. 6 00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:26,294 Public urination is, like, a dumb law. 7 00:00:26,294 --> 00:00:27,795 Yeah, really. 8 00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:30,364 Plus, we mostly just peed on ourselves, you know? 9 00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:33,801 So like--so like, where's the crime, you know? 10 00:00:33,801 --> 00:00:37,138 [laughter] - Oh, no! 11 00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:38,506 Did you hear? 12 00:00:38,506 --> 00:00:40,641 Diane is having another kid. 13 00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:41,975 Can you imagine? 14 00:00:41,975 --> 00:00:43,177 No, thank you. 15 00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:44,478 The three I have are enough. 16 00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:46,147 both: Mm-hmm. - Yeah. 17 00:00:46,147 --> 00:00:49,517 Oh, I told Roger, if you ever want to have sex with me again, 18 00:00:49,517 --> 00:00:51,219 you better get a vasectomy. 19 00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:53,321 [laughter] 20 00:00:53,321 --> 00:00:54,788 Whoa, Beavis. 21 00:00:54,788 --> 00:00:56,457 Did you hear that? 22 00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:59,227 If we get vasectomies, we can score with those chicks. 23 00:00:59,227 --> 00:01:01,229 Whoa, that's cool. 24 00:01:01,229 --> 00:01:04,632 But like, um, what's a vasectomy? 25 00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:07,368 It's an operation on your nads, dumbass. 26 00:01:07,368 --> 00:01:09,103 Oh, OK. Yeah. 27 00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:11,339 Yeah, that sounds pretty good, yeah. 28 00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:13,641 Maybe that's why we never score. 29 00:01:13,641 --> 00:01:16,110 What's in our nads is too powerful. 30 00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:17,811 It scares the chicks away. 31 00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:19,313 Whoa! 32 00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:21,482 You know, it's amazing our nads are so powerful, 33 00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:24,218 because we've been hit in the nads so many times. 34 00:01:24,218 --> 00:01:27,221 That only made them stronger, Beavis. 35 00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:29,157 We trained them up. 36 00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:31,392 We've got super-- [screams] 37 00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:36,430 And now your sperms are getting even stronger. 38 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:38,499 Yeah, I can feel it. 39 00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:40,734 It hurts a lot, yeah. 40 00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:41,602 [chuckles] 41 00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:42,803 What's up, gentlemen? 42 00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:44,172 So before we get started, I would just like 43 00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:46,274 to give you an alpha M knuckle bump 44 00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:48,442 for being so damn incredible. 45 00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:50,411 No disputing the fact that you're incredible 46 00:01:50,411 --> 00:01:52,880 and can accomplish great, amazing things. 47 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,948 But the only way you're gonna be able to truly-- 48 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,185 Uh... [both chuckling] 49 00:01:57,185 --> 00:01:58,852 Uh... 50 00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:01,088 Commit yourself for the next 30 days to the alpha M-- 51 00:02:01,189 --> 00:02:04,192 You think this guy knows what he's talking about, Butt-Head? 52 00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:05,993 Uh, you can tell he's an expert 53 00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:09,029 'cause he, like, talks into a camera, 54 00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:13,033 and he's all loud, and he makes lists. 55 00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:14,502 Yeah, yeah. 56 00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:16,770 Yeah, maybe he knows what he's talking about, yeah. 57 00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:18,339 Six things that you need to pay attention-- 58 00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:20,874 Uh, I know six things 59 00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:23,744 I'd like to pay attention to right about now. 60 00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:26,380 In my opinion, to truly reach alpha status, 61 00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:27,848 you need to be spiritual. 62 00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,683 Now, whatever that means to you, it means to you. 63 00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:32,920 Whether or not you believe in Jesus, Krishna, Buddha, 64 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,388 it doesn't matter to me. 65 00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:36,857 Are those all the chicks he's scored with? 66 00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:38,459 Uh, yeah. 67 00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:40,728 They all sound like strippers. 68 00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:42,029 Yeah. [chuckling] 69 00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:44,498 I want to get a lap dance from Krishna. 70 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:45,933 Ooh. [chuckling] 71 00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:48,302 30 days, I want you to write down something 72 00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:49,470 you are grateful for. 73 00:02:49,470 --> 00:02:52,240 How many years is 30 days? 74 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:54,141 Uh, I don't know. 75 00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:57,044 But the landlord said to vacate in 30 days. 76 00:02:57,044 --> 00:03:02,082 And that was about two years ago, and we're still here. 77 00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:05,286 Yeah, 30 days is a long time. [chuckling] 78 00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:07,921 Now if you're somebody who's already, like, exercising, 79 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,323 I'd like to give you a knuckle bump. 80 00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:11,525 Oh, yeah. Gotta exercise. 81 00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,994 Time for my 12-ounce curls. 82 00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:15,863 [slurps] 83 00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:19,166 [sighs] Feel the burn. 84 00:03:19,267 --> 00:03:20,734 Butt-Head, spot me. 85 00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:23,437 [slurps] Mmm, yeah. 86 00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:26,640 Never skip arms day, you know what I'm saying? 87 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:29,477 The sixth pillar of the alpha 30-day plan-- 88 00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:30,944 What's alpha again? 89 00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:34,147 Is it like, something with the alphabet or something? 90 00:03:34,282 --> 00:03:35,283 [chuckles] 91 00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:36,884 Uh, no. 92 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,353 Alpha is like the gorilla that gets to score 93 00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:41,289 with all the other gorillas. 94 00:03:41,289 --> 00:03:42,556 Whoa. 95 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:45,326 So he scores with a lot of gorillas? 96 00:03:45,326 --> 00:03:47,695 Uh, I guess so. 97 00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:50,331 He just like, goes down to the zoo 98 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:53,066 and just like, does them all? 99 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:55,803 Uh, yeah. 100 00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:59,106 He's an alpha. [chuckles] 101 00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:01,542 And then the other gorillas try to stop him, 102 00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:03,944 but he just beats them up. 103 00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:05,346 Oh, yeah. 104 00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:07,315 Yeah, he spanks his monkey, see? 105 00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:10,318 [both chuckling] 106 00:04:11,952 --> 00:04:13,454 Gorillas aren't monkeys, Beavis. 107 00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:15,889 They're apes. 108 00:04:15,889 --> 00:04:18,091 So that joke doesn't work. 109 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,628 Try to be more careful next time. 110 00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:22,330 Oh, well. 111 00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:23,764 If this means that you've got to make up with some people, 112 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,466 or deal with some things that you've been, like, 113 00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:28,135 harboring and hanging on to, gentlemen, it is worth it. 114 00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:31,472 Uh, Beavis, there's something I've been meaning 115 00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:33,674 to get off my chest for a long time. 116 00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:36,344 And I just didn't have the courage to say it, 117 00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:37,911 but here goes. 118 00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:41,214 Beavis, you're the biggest dumbass in the world. 119 00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:43,617 [chuckling] 120 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,819 Ah. 121 00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:48,389 Felt good to get that out. 122 00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:50,157 Yeah, OK. 123 00:04:50,157 --> 00:04:53,026 Yeah, up yours. [both chuckling] 124 00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:54,628 Yeah, I'm glad we connected. 125 00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:57,365 [slurps] Ah. 126 00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:59,400 Me too. 127 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:00,801 Now let's have another beer 128 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:03,637 and watch this guy bone a gorilla. 129 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:06,407 Say it, sister. Yeah! [chuckling] 130 00:05:06,407 --> 00:05:08,141 [slurping] 131 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,042 Amen. 132 00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,944 Ever reach alpha status. 133 00:05:13,381 --> 00:05:14,648 So you're interested in getting vasectomies? 134 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,517 Well, obviously. [chuckling] 135 00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:19,387 Yeah, I mean, you know, we want to score, you know. 136 00:05:19,387 --> 00:05:22,490 Well, let me walk you through the procedure. 137 00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:24,091 Your body generates sperm-- 138 00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:26,394 [both chuckling] 139 00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:28,061 Right here in the testicles-- 140 00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:30,398 [both chuckling] 141 00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:32,800 Which are located here in the scrotum. 142 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,202 Yeah. [both chuckling] 143 00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:37,871 It then travels through the vas deferens-- 144 00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:41,475 - Uh... - Huh? 145 00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:42,776 On its way to the penis. 146 00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:44,845 [both chuckling] 147 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:48,015 And then through the urethra. 148 00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:49,517 - Uh... - Huh? 149 00:05:49,517 --> 00:05:52,185 That's in the course of a normal ejaculation. 150 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:55,222 [chuckling] 151 00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:57,224 Um... 152 00:05:57,224 --> 00:06:00,428 That's like... [whispering] 153 00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:01,595 Oh! 154 00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:04,898 [both chuckling] 155 00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:07,801 Ejaculation. 156 00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:11,104 The procedure is simply to cut and seal the vas deferens 157 00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:13,106 right here, and then you should be able 158 00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:15,242 to return to your current level of sexual activity. 159 00:06:15,242 --> 00:06:16,577 Yeah. 160 00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:18,746 Or more. [chuckles] 161 00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:19,980 If you'd like, we can schedule 162 00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:21,549 your procedures for Monday. 163 00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:22,683 Any questions? 164 00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:24,084 Yeah, yeah, um, 165 00:06:24,084 --> 00:06:26,520 do you have one of those, but it's like, a chick? 166 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:28,321 You know what I'm saying? 167 00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:29,590 I do, actually. 168 00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:30,858 Whoa! 169 00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:33,494 Now this guy is cool. [chuckles] 170 00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:38,198 Uh, we're here for our vasectomies. 171 00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:39,767 Yeah, our appointment was, like, 172 00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:42,135 an hour ago or something. 173 00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:43,571 OK. 174 00:06:43,571 --> 00:06:45,873 So how long is this gonna take? 175 00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:49,109 I want to score this afternoon. [chuckles] 176 00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,581 These porno magazines suck. 177 00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:56,850 They're just guys playing golf. 178 00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:59,753 Gentlemen, we're ready for you. 179 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,288 It's a quick procedure. 180 00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:03,657 You'll be able to go right back to your normal routine. 181 00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:05,493 I just want to remind you to wait a week 182 00:07:05,493 --> 00:07:06,927 before you ejaculate. 183 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,361 No, that's fine. Yeah. 184 00:07:08,496 --> 00:07:11,499 All we're gonna do this week anyway is score. 185 00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:12,833 All right. 186 00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:15,302 Go ahead and lie down, and in a few minutes, 187 00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:18,706 you'll no longer have to worry about fathering children. 188 00:07:18,706 --> 00:07:20,273 [echoing] Fathering children, 189 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:23,376 fathering children, fathering children. 190 00:07:23,511 --> 00:07:25,613 [dreamy music] 191 00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:27,180 Father, Father. 192 00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:31,118 Yes, Butt-Head Junior and Butt-Head Threenior? 193 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:34,688 Uh, Father, tell us about all the times you scored. 194 00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:37,124 Of course, children. 195 00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,526 [knocking] 196 00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:41,662 But what's this? [chuckles] 197 00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:44,264 Mr. Head, I'm here to hand-deliver 198 00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:46,867 Butt-Head Fournior's report card. 199 00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:50,337 Mm. - [chuckling] 200 00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:53,541 Parenthood is cool. 201 00:07:53,541 --> 00:07:55,843 ♪ ♪ 202 00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:59,046 [chuckling] 203 00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:06,954 [snickering] You're cool, Dad. 204 00:08:06,954 --> 00:08:08,622 Oh, yeah. 205 00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:10,691 I guess I am. [chuckling] 206 00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:11,959 And you can play with our LEGOs. 207 00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:13,160 [snickering] 208 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,563 Whoa, cool! Yeah, LEGOs. 209 00:08:15,563 --> 00:08:16,830 [knocking] 210 00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:19,232 But what's this? [chuckles] 211 00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:23,003 Hey, look, kids! It's the Butt-Heads. 212 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,606 We're here to kick your ass. 213 00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:27,140 Oh, cool. [chuckles] 214 00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:29,242 So glad we could get the families together, you know? 215 00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:32,312 Get him, son. [all grunting] 216 00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:35,015 Hey, can I get anybody anything? 217 00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:37,350 I've got some Dr. Peppers in the fridge--ah! 218 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:42,656 ♪ ♪ 219 00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,592 Um, you know, um, 220 00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:47,260 being dads might actually be pretty cool, Butt-Head. 221 00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:49,329 [chuckles] - Yeah. 222 00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:52,900 My kids would kick ass. [chuckling] 223 00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,902 Are you ready? 224 00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:57,237 - Uh... - Um... 225 00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:00,373 All righty, I've applied 226 00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:01,775 the local anesthetic to your scrotums. 227 00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:04,177 The procedure will be over before you know it. 228 00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:07,915 So, um, kids are kind of cool, aren't they, Butt-Head? 229 00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:10,083 Uh, yeah. 230 00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:12,419 If they're raised right, like we were. 231 00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:14,855 [chuckles] 232 00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:16,790 [metallic zing] 233 00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:18,225 - Hey, stop! - Whoa! 234 00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,760 Stay away from our super nads! 235 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,630 Yeah, the world needs more Butt-Heads, or something. 236 00:09:22,630 --> 00:09:24,865 [tools clattering] 237 00:09:24,865 --> 00:09:27,067 [both grunting] 238 00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:33,206 Yeah, I'm gonna have kids someday, Butt-Head. 239 00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:35,743 Even if I have to never score to do it. 240 00:09:35,743 --> 00:09:38,712 Uh... 241 00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:41,214 my nads are numb. 242 00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:43,651 Yeah, mine too. Ugh. 243 00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:45,518 Uh... 244 00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:48,188 [grunts] 245 00:09:48,188 --> 00:09:50,858 Wait a minute, did you just kick me in the nads? 246 00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,225 Yeah. [chuckles] 247 00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:54,494 I didn't even feel anything. 248 00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:55,663 [grunts] 249 00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:59,566 Whoa, I didn't feel anything either. 250 00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:01,034 Do it again. 251 00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:02,569 [grunts] 252 00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:04,271 This is cool. 253 00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:06,173 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's amazing. 254 00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:08,008 Kick me harder this time. 255 00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:10,177 - [grunts] - Whoa. 256 00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:12,379 Now do me again, yeah. As hard as you can, yeah. 257 00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:14,347 - [grunts] - Wow! 258 00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:16,083 I could do this all day, yeah. 259 00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:18,819 [grunts] - It almost feels good. 260 00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,120 [grunts] - Ooh, yeah, yeah. 261 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,890 That was right with the toe, yeah. 262 00:10:22,890 --> 00:10:25,092 Feels kind of warm. [grunts] 263 00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:26,326 You know, people say numb nuts 264 00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,061 like it's a bad thing, but-- 265 00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:31,364 but this kicks ass. 266 00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:34,334 Let's go find a baseball bat. [chuckles] 267 00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:38,638 [rock music] 268 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:45,645 ♪ ♪ 269 00:10:58,726 --> 00:11:00,627 [chiming noises] 270 00:11:00,627 --> 00:11:01,661 Chirp.